My boyfriend and I are together currently but he is abusive. He’s not a good dad or partner, I don’t want to type everything out right now to explain so let’s just leave it at that. He is out of town working for 9/12 months. He leaves for 3 month increments at a time and then comes home for 1 month then leaves again for 3 months. He doesn’t come see his daughter the whole time he’s gone even though he definitely could, he has the money and his boss would allow him, he just doesn’t want to. I’ve even offered to bring her to him and pay for everything myself but he said no and told me to just wait until he comes home. His coworkers go home to visit their families frequently he is the only one that doesn’t. Thankfully I have the option to work from home so I stay home with my girl 100% of the time. He says if we broke up he would aim for 50/50. He has never fed, changed, or bathed our baby in her whole life despite me begging him to help a little when he is home but he’d rather go out with his friends and get drunk/high on hard drugs instead. If I left him what would a custody arrangement most likely look like for us since he’s gone so often? I would like full or majority custody except I still want her dad to be a part of her life. I don’t think he would physically hurt her like in the sense of hitting her or anything, I just don’t trust him to not neglect her needs if he’s alone with her for too long. Ideally I’d want all overnights and he can take her during the day on a Saturday or Sunday when he’s off work and in town. Is this realistic or should I lower my expectations? I know it’s hard to get full custody unless the other parent does something insane so I don’t wanna just take a shot in the dark with my child’s safety if I left him.
He cannot realistically have 50/50. He is talking shit. Why exactly is he not your ex if he is such a horrible partner and parent? Has he established paternity?
You have almost no chance of having all overnights unless there’s a valid reason. You can literally molest the children and still be granted overnight visitation. If you go into court asking for all overnights with no evidence that the child is in danger prepare to be crucified by the judge. In every single high conflict custody battle, there’s always one parent who wants sole custody. Children aren’t property, they aren’t a tool to use to get back at the other parent. He has every right to 50/50.
Does he contribute financially? You aren’t married so why not let him continue to help out that way. If you force the issue he will get a girlfriend and then your baby will be with someone you don’t know. And don’t sleep with him. He is likely getting it on the side being away for work and not wanting to come back. So, let him contribute financially, save, focus on you and the baby.
This is horrible advice for a woman who needs out of an abusive and neglectful relationship! There’s no way this man doesn’t already have someone at the job site or he’d be coming home since all his coworkers do and he won’t let them come to him!
From what you say I don’t see him wanting custody. A court can’t force a person to care. He clearly doesn’t.
He doesn’t want OP or the baby. He just wants to pay the bare minimum in child support and he wants to punish OP.
He’ll want not to pay child support so he’ll demand 50% or more figuring he can just get a new girlfriend to do the work involved.
My ex’s new girlfriend and now wife didn’t want him spending time with our child, so he doesn’t. She thinks my sending even pictures of our child is inappropriate. So no, a new woman doesn’t always change anything.
Getting a new girlfriend doesn’t change anything. He probably already has one and either doesn’t know he has a whole family back home or doesn’t care.
And damage the child. I hope mom holds his feet to the fire and protects her child. It can be done. He won’t be happy. Oh well.
Documentation is going to be your friend. Keep a calendar of when he sees or asks about the baby. You need to be able to prove the negative, that he isn’t a 50/50 parent. Look up the standard custody plan for your state so you know what you are starting with. Keep track of any money he gives specifically for the baby’s maintenance. Make sure baby is going to all well-baby visits, UTD on shots, and document that he doesn’t attend these appointments.
Go see a lawyer and get child support he needs to support that baby. Then find someone that will cherish you and your baby. Girls today need to know their worth. Get out of that abusive relationship.
(Not a lawyer) As her father he does have rights. Consult a lawyer so you can prepare yourself. Start gathering evidence. If he goes for 50/50 then have him take a court-ordered drug test. Show any text messages/emails of him refusing to come see her or help you with her. You would have to prove that he’s neglectful to her or that she’s not safe to be alone with him. He should at least have supervised visitation.
I understand where you’re coming from. You want to leave, but you don’t want this person who clearly does not care about your daughter to have her half the time. First, don’t tell him you’re thinking about leaving. I think you can likely get to talk to a Legal Services lawyer at no cost to you. I also suggest that you reach out to a domestic violence agency. Together, you can make a plan for you and your daughter to leave safely. Meanwhile, say nothing to him. Both of you deserve better.
It’s really hard to get into legal services for custody because they’re so backed up- they tend to take emergency scale cases. There MAY be some discounted or pro bono lawyers where you live but you’d have to get a list from the bar association where you live and make a lot of calls. You CAN do custody without a lawyer and fill out the paperwork by yourself- but I suggest having everything documented for one full work/home cycle before you file anything and have him served. And pay to have him served while he’s at work if you fear violence. You may also want to move to a new apartment if violence is an issue so he can’t come surprise you with a visit. I did my custody without a lawyer. His parents got him one and they tried rewording all the paperwork even though I had already filed. I straight up told him I’m not signing ANYTHING a lawyer has touched because it wouldn’t be fair since I couldn’t afford one. He caved. Luckily he and I did agree on most and I compromised way more than I should have. But when it comes down to it, I still make most of the decisions because he just doesn’t do it. So you can try doing it on your own. It can go to mediation first too. A good judge will look at the facts and make sure it’s in the best interest of the child. We had one judge not sign because the child support worksheet wasn’t attached even though we agreed on the amount. The second judge didn’t look because we were both there and both agreed- he wouldn’t have known if one of us was getting screwed over out of fear.
He only wants 50/50 to avoid child support.
Jokes on him, that isn’t a surefire way to avoid it.
Good! He isn’t a dad, he’s a DNA donor.
Above Reddit’s paygrade. Get a consult with a family lawyer in your community. See 2 or 3. You can likely move so ask about that too.