I posted more of the details a few days ago and got so many beautiful and helpful responses, so thank you. One person encouraged me to review our current orders, so I spent some time today doing just that and have a few follow-up questions. Since the beginning, I’ve had SOLE physical custody. He basically gave me sole physical custody. We went back to court a year later for him to use a breathalyzer during his parenting time, and the mediator asked if we wanted to make any changes to physical custody, and he said ‘no.’ So I have sole physical custody. He has our kids 20-30% of the time and lives a mile away. We have JOINT legal custody, but this is where I’ve been having lots of problems with him. The details are better laid out in my previous post, but to summarize, he remains largely uninvolved and unresponsive, making it so that decisions are made and plans are put in place without him. For example, I might say, ‘If I don’t hear from you by X date, I’m going to move forward with what the doctor has suggested,’ but then later he decides he disagrees with the diagnosis that was made a year ago and says I’m the problem. He claims that the only reason I have our kid on medication is for ‘selfish’ reasons. Our kid has been on medication for 8 months, and it’s helped so much, but according to dad, it’s had no effect at all. Now he wants to do further testing that would require our kid to go off medication and then back on again, which would cause such an unnecessary disruption to everything that’s been put in place and is helping. My question is: does me having SOLE physical custody carry any weight when also trying to obtain sole LEGAL custody? Alternatively, I also heard about filing for final decision-making power instead, as that seems to give me what I need and what our kid needs without removing dad entirely from the equation. I’m happy to consider his opinion on anything as long as it’s reasonable and delivered at an appropriate time. Other things to note – not sure if any of this is pertinent to this issue, but I’m trying to understand how these separate issues might help my case. Because his drinking was and is concerning to me, I had it written in our original orders that he is not to drink 12 hours before he has our kids and during the duration of their time there. He agreed to this, so it’s in our final order, but he breaks this constantly. This morning, for example, my kids told me he spent the entire day completely hungover and asleep in bed. Two of my kids were late to school because they were having to go down the street to get breakfast and were on their own in terms of getting to school. Dad’s girlfriend is an angry drunk, and there have been times where they are yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors well into the night. I’m not sure what kind of evidence I need; I just document what the kids tell me or what others observe. He has picked our kid up from my sister’s house and has been obviously drunk, so she’s an eyewitness to that. But there’s no DUI or anything like that to substantiate it. My kids don’t have bedrooms or beds at his house. One has a bed in a shared bedroom with one of the girlfriend’s kids, but another is on the sofa, and another is in a closet. Yes, a closet. It’s in our court order that he review our parenting app daily and respond to any new messages within 24 hours. I’ll send him important information, and it’ll show that he’s logged in to see the message come through, but he’ll leave the message unread. I don’t really care because I just see it as an attempt to start a fight, and I’m not willing to fight over it, but it is a violation of our order and it’s a roadblock in working together on anything. For example, I scheduled a meeting at our kid’s school to review the 504 plan in place and sent him the date and time a few days ago. He’s logged in since I’ve sent that, but that message reads as ‘never viewed.’ I assume he does this intentionally so that when he doesn’t show up, he can say he ‘didn’t see the message in time.’ Over the past year, he’s had 3 ‘seizures.’ I’m putting it in quotes because they’re non-epileptic in nature. In the medical world, these used to be called ‘pseudo seizures,’ aka ‘fake seizures,’ but people who experience them were offended by that since they don’t believe they have any control over them, so they’re now called PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures). Essentially, they are psychological in nature (as opposed to physical), which to me confirms mental health issues, as these seizures are typically caused by trauma, stress, or anxiety. They’re also tied to class B personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder. After the 3rd seizure and trip to the ER, his driving privileges were revoked, and despite me asking several times if he’s been cleared to drive, he gives me a non-answer and says he’s on medication now or that the tests have come back normal, but he won’t give me anything from the doctor that states he’s clear to drive. The medication he’s taking is also for epileptic seizures and won’t have an effect on PNES seizures. I’m not super worried about driving because I’m confident he’s in control of these, so I don’t know if I need to address anything here or if it has anything to do with anything else, but I’m trying to provide more of the bigger picture since this group has been so helpful thus far. I recently filed a police report to investigate unusual activity in my checking account. There have been many payments using my routing and account number that are tied to his name, which made me go back over the years and go through statements more closely, and I found another batch of payments that are definitely not payments I made. I don’t know if those are him as well, but the ones I do know about are enough for a felony conviction should the DA take the case. No final judgment here, and I’m told it’s a long process, but this kind of behavior is very on brand, as I filed for divorce after learning he was stealing tens of thousands from my business, all of which he gambled away. FINAL QUESTION: Since I already have sole physical custody and since the kids’ daily lives are almost solely in my care (I take them to school all but 2 days a month, I take them to most appointments, sports, help with homework, receive no child support, etc.), and based on him interfering instead of collaborating, there being persistent conflict that impedes joint decision-making, along with substance abuse issues, mental health concerns, and financial abuse toward the mother who is primarily raising his children, would a judge grant me sole legal custody or final decision-making power? There’s so many little things that I worry there’s no one BIG thing, and I don’t know how much the court cares about, as it seems like a world void of any nuance, and I live in the nuance, so I need all the advice and guidance. THANK YOU. I’m grateful to whoever makes it this far.
Honestly, with everything you’ve described, it seems like you have a solid case for seeking sole legal custody or at least final decision-making power. The judge will likely consider your child’s best interests.
It sounds like you’re really doing your best for your kids. Document everything, and be prepared to present it all if you go back to court.
I think having sole physical custody already helps your case. It shows that you are the primary caregiver, which is a big plus.
With the substance abuse and lack of involvement from him, it seems like you have valid reasons to ask for more authority in decisions.
Make sure to highlight how his actions impact the kids. The judge will care about their well-being above all.