My ex and I split about a year ago. We spent months in court, up until January, to get a 50-50 joint custody agreement. We exchange custody every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Relevant info: I live in New York State. Right before we signed the agreement, I heard from someone else that she was planning to move 2 1/2 hours downstate with her new boyfriend. When I confronted her, she denied it. Eventually, I heard from her that she did want to move. So, I went to my attorney, who reached out to the AFC (Attorney for the Child). I’m not sure who from the court contacted her, but at our next meet-up, she was in tears, begging me to let her move and promising she’d follow the agreement. I said no. We then signed the agreement with the court.
Fast forward to now: I find out she’s already moved downstate. She claims I ‘knew she’d been out there’ and says she’s been on the lease since ‘before we signed the custody papers.’
Our agreement doesn’t say anything about moving, but it worked because we were local. Now, she’s 2 1/2 hours away, and I don’t see how this will work, especially when our child starts school. I don’t want him going to a school 2 1/2 hours away. If I had known she was moving, I never would’ve signed the agreement. She made me believe she wasn’t moving.
Do I have a case to challenge her relocation? Does it matter that she’s living with and married to someone in the military? Thanks in advance.
You need to take this back to court. While there’s no clear violation, the current arrangement isn’t sustainable. Focus on the fact that the frequent exchanges aren’t practical with that kind of distance. Don’t try to take her parenting time away. She’s following the agreement and hasn’t broken any rules. But you can ask to adjust the schedule. Maybe switch to one or two weeks at a time. Make her handle transportation since she chose to move.
Also, plan ahead for when your child starts school. You could ask for primary custody then. Maybe suggest she gets him from school on Fridays and drops him off on Mondays, with you getting one weekend a month. Summers can be reversed, where she gets weekdays and you get weekends. You should also ask for two uninterrupted weeks in the summer for vacation, and give her the same. Get this figured out now as part of her moving far away. Her lawyer might tell her to agree to your terms, knowing she can always revisit this later.
Ava said: @Rafe
I’m not trying to take away her time. I just don’t want to lose any of mine.
In that case, ask the court to modify the timing of the exchanges. Keep the proof that you didn’t agree to her move until you need to present it. You could offer to keep things equal for now but ask for primary custody when your child starts school. If she doesn’t agree, then let her know you’ll push for primary custody now to prepare for the school schedule. You never agreed to her move, and you have evidence. She can either agree to your terms or you’ll push for primary custody now because she’s refusing to work with you.
You definitely should file. If she moved without modifying your custody agreement, you can take her back to court. If she’s sticking to the agreement for now, a judge might be okay with it. But you’re exchanging custody three times a week. That means your child is spending at least 7 1/2 hours a week in the car. That’s a lot of travel, and it might not be in the best interest of the child.
You also have to think about what happens when they start school. You don’t want to lose your parenting time once they’re school age. If you file now, you can push to keep the official residence in your county. That way, she can’t enroll your child in a different school district without giving up time with you. It’s a way to protect your time and keep things stable as your child grows older.
@Kirby
You make a good point. The exchanges happening 3 times per week is not going to be practical long term, especially with school. I’d suggest fewer exchanges for now, maybe once a week or even every other week, while keeping the 50/50 split. But OP should push for primary custody when school starts, and make sure mom handles the transportation since she moved.
If mom agrees, it could prevent the case from going to trial. It’s a reasonable counter to the move.
I think you have a case. Do you have any documentation from your communication with her or her lawyer about the move? I’d bet they have something that proves it was discussed.
Delaney said:
I think you have a case. Do you have any documentation from your communication with her or her lawyer about the move? I’d bet they have something that proves it was discussed.
I have recordings of us talking about it a few times. I always record when we talk.
@Ava
NY is a one-party consent state, so you’re good there. Now that you know she moved, file as soon as you can. If she’s in a different county, you might have an advantage since moving the case will be tough for her.
Ava said: @Delaney
I’m looking for an attorney now. Once I have one, I’ll file.
You could also send a message to document the move. Frame it as a concern for your child’s schooling in the future. Something like: ‘Hey, now that I know you’ve moved, I’m concerned about how this will work when our child starts school in my district. I want to figure out a stable schedule that keeps things consistent for our child. When can we talk about this?’ This can be helpful in court.
Why doesn’t your agreement say anything about moving? That’s usually standard. Does the agreement say where you’re supposed to meet for drop-offs? Has she been doing all the driving?
Also, who watches your child when you’re at work? And what’s your plan for daycare and school?
If she’s following the agreement, I don’t know if you can challenge the move right now. But you should definitely work with a lawyer to make sure your child goes to school in your area, so you don’t end up losing parenting time.
@Sterling
I have daycare for him while I’m at work, but I don’t know what she does on her end.
As for the relocation part of the agreement, her lawyer wouldn’t agree to adding anything about moving out of the county. But after she cried and begged me to let her move, I thought that meant she couldn’t go without my approval. My lawyer advised me to go ahead with the agreement if I liked everything else, so I did.
@Ava
Why did you think she couldn’t move if it wasn’t in the agreement? Did you ask your lawyer? It’s pretty standard to include that language. The court might assume you and your lawyer left it out on purpose. You should talk to a lawyer soon since this arrangement won’t work once your child is in school. And honestly, all that travel is probably not great for your child even now.