I’m 33 (F) and divorcing my soon-to-be-ex-husband (42M). We have 4 kids together. I talked to a better lawyer this time, and she made it clear that I’m being way too generous even considering 50/50 custody. She said I should push for full legal and physical custody with him only having visits every other weekend.
She pointed out that he hasn’t done much for the last two years except drink—he lost his job, doesn’t show up for the kids’ activities, and can’t seem to get his life together. She also said I should ask for a court order that says he can’t drink when he’s around the kids.
The thing is, he’s been drinking heavily for so long that if he stops for even a day, he could have seizures. I know he’s sick, and I feel bad because I don’t want to take his kids away from him. At the same time, I want to do what’s best for them. I feel like they should have the chance to form their own opinions about him as they grow up.
Has anyone been through this? How does custody usually work in situations like this? What’s reasonable and fair?
Based on what you’re saying, I’d suggest something like this:
Supervised visits for the first three months—weekends only. You have full custody during this time.
No alcohol within 24 hours of seeing the kids or while he’s with them.
After three successful months:
Move to unsupervised visits but only if another responsible adult is present.
Same no-alcohol rule applies.
After six months, he could earn more time if he’s proven to be responsible. He should be in therapy or an outpatient program, and maybe look into medication like Naltrexone if he’s serious about getting better.
If he drinks around the kids at any point, supervised visits should come back immediately, and he should have to use an interlock device to prove he’s sober.
Your lawyer is right. You’re being way too generous. You recognize that alcoholism is a disease, which is great, but your first responsibility is to your kids. Their safety comes first.
Your lawyer should request that he use a monitored breathalyzer like Soberlink or BACtrack before and during his visits. These devices send real-time notifications if he fails or skips a test, and if that happens, you should be able to pick up your kids immediately.
The custody agreement should clearly state that he is not allowed to drink while he has the kids, period.
Amira said:
Why would you even consider putting your kids in an unsafe situation?
I love my kids, no question. But I also have compassion for their father. We were together for 15 years, and I know he’s struggling.
That’s why I’m asking for advice. When you’re in the middle of something, it’s hard to see things clearly. After talking to my lawyer and reading what people are saying here, I realize that limited supervised visits are the right call.
I don’t think he would intentionally put them in danger, but I also can’t guarantee their safety when I’m not there. Better safe than sorry.
You already know he’s an alcoholic. You already know he can’t go a day without drinking. You already know he lost his job and isn’t involved with the kids. So why would you even consider giving him unsupervised time?
You’re not ‘taking his kids away.’ You’re protecting them. If he wants more time, he can make better choices—get sober, get a job, show up for them. Until then, you need to think about what could happen.
What if he drives drunk? What if he has a seizure? What if he passes out and leaves them alone? These are real possibilities, and you need to plan for them.
Your priority has to be your kids. If he’s that deep into alcohol, he can’t parent safely.
And it’s not your kids’ job to ‘figure out who he is.’ They’re children. You didn’t realize how bad it was until after four kids and years of marriage—why would they?
You can be honest with them without making him the bad guy:
Daddy loves you, but he’s not safe to be alone with you.
Daddy is sick, but he won’t go to the doctor to get help.
Daddy loves you, but sometimes love isn’t enough if he won’t get better.
Daddy loves you very much, but this is what alcohol does.
They deserve to know the truth, and if you’re worried, put them in therapy. But don’t throw them into an unsafe situation just because you don’t want to have hard conversations.
Your lawyer’s advice is solid. Go for full custody, supervised visits, and a breathalyzer before he sees them. If he gets sober, he can work toward more time.
Leaving your kids alone with someone who’s frequently drunk is dangerous. What if there’s an emergency and he’s wasted? What if they get hurt? What if he’s too out of it to take care of them?
He needs supervised visits, regular alcohol testing, and rehab. If he actually follows through and stays sober for a while, then the custody can be adjusted. Or you can set up a plan now that lets him earn more time if he proves he’s serious about changing.