Just got the custody evaluation back, and I have a lot of problems with how it was handled. The evaluator didn’t follow up on anything, and the parenting schedule they recommended is completely different from what my state’s guidelines suggest.
I have a 5-year-old, 9-year-old, and 11-year-old. From what I’ve researched, the usual schedules for kids their age are 4-4-3-3 or 5-5-2-2. Week-on/week-off is normally suggested only when parents get along and can co-parent well. The evaluator even said we should parallel parent—so why recommend a schedule that requires cooperation when they think we can’t co-parent?
My 5-year-old struggles with long separations, and everything I’ve read says week-on/week-off is better for older kids or teenagers, not young kids. The evaluator claimed the kids were fine with it, but I suspect my ex influenced them. They always tell me they miss me and love the idea of a midweek call, which my ex won’t allow.
I also feel like my ex is pushing this schedule for her own convenience. Her new partner has older kids (16+) who follow the same schedule, so it works better for them. We’ve been following this schedule only because she insisted on it, but I’ve always felt it was bad for the kids. Now she wants even fewer exchanges, which I believe will make things worse.
Should I fight for a different plan that actually fits their ages? Or am I wasting my time? The evaluator didn’t seem interested in facts, took my ex’s word as truth, and made huge assumptions without even asking for my side of the story. I’m really frustrated and want to know my options.
Clare said:
You’re still getting 50/50 custody. What’s the problem?
Because my kids are struggling with it. They’re having behavior issues, and my youngest really struggles with long separations.
Why even have state guidelines if they don’t follow them? Week-on/week-off isn’t recommended for young kids. I’m just trying to make sure this setup is actually good for them.
We do week-on/week-off and parallel parent because of high conflict. Fewer exchanges mean fewer fights. I think switching that often would be tough on kids.
Kendall said:
We do week-on/week-off and parallel parent because of high conflict. Fewer exchanges mean fewer fights. I think switching that often would be tough on kids.
But if exchanges happen at school, there’s no extra conflict. One parent drops them off, the other picks them up. Also, it’s not high conflict—I just have an ex who’s extremely controlling.
@Toryn
I’ll be honest, from the way you’re responding to people here, you seem very rigid and unwilling to consider different perspectives. Have you tried switching homes that often yourself to see how disruptive it is?
Schedules with frequent exchanges require a lot more cooperation. Week-on/week-off is usually better when co-parents don’t get along. What exactly worries you about the new schedule?
Rose said:
Schedules with frequent exchanges require a lot more cooperation. Week-on/week-off is usually better when co-parents don’t get along. What exactly worries you about the new schedule?
That the kids won’t get to talk to the other parent at all during their week. Right now, my ex won’t let me call them, and they can’t call me. They tell me all the time that they miss me.
The kids also start having behavior issues at school around day five of her week. More frequent exchanges would give them more balance. And with a schedule like 5-5-2-2, we’d at least have set days, which would help with scheduling sports and activities. Right now, they miss every other week of anything they sign up for.
You’ve got this mixed up. Week-on/week-off is common for school-age kids, especially when parents don’t get along. You’re asking for a schedule that needs a lot more cooperation. I wouldn’t fight it—it’ll just make you look like the problem parent.
Week-on/week-off isn’t even listed as an option for kids 6-12. It’s only suggested for older kids who are okay with long separations. Younger kids are supposed to have frequent contact with both parents.
And I’m not the one making things difficult. My ex agreed to 50/50, then started fighting it. She also refuses to share any info about doctor visits, school, or anything else. She even tried to claim I was on drugs and showed fake pictures. I’ve done nothing but try to stay in my kids’ lives, and she’s done everything she can to push me out. But sure, I’m the problem?
Aren’t they all in school? And haven’t you already been doing week-on/week-off? The evaluator is just recommending what’s already happening. Judges usually don’t like to change something that’s been working.
@Johnstone
We only did week-on/week-off to show my ex it could work. She wouldn’t allow us to try anything else. The evaluator never even considered another option before deciding this was best. But my state doesn’t even list this as a good schedule for their ages.
There’s no single ‘correct’ schedule—different setups work for different families. It makes sense to keep the whole blended family on the same routine.
We did 2-2-5-5 when my youngest was little, but we switched to week-on/week-off when they turned 5. It made everything much smoother. My youngest struggled at first, so we made a little ‘mom shrine’ at my house to help him feel connected. His therapist told his mom to do the same, but she never did.
Divorce is tough on kids no matter what, but fewer transitions can help them settle in better.
@Archer
I get that, but most of my kids’ problems happen around day five of their mom’s week. They don’t have these issues with me, and they don’t when they’re only with her for a few days.
Why do fewer transitions help? I’ve lived a pretty chaotic life, and moving between places never really bothered me. We wouldn’t even have to interact at exchanges—they could just be picked up at school.
@Toryn
For us, losing two evenings to transitions made it harder to do activities and keep a routine. My teen also said it felt like they were always visiting somewhere instead of having a real home.