I’m in California. My son’s biological father has been mostly absent from his life. He started paying the bare minimum child support about 6-7 months ago, but he’s still behind by around $20,000. My son is 6 ½ now, and his dad has been out of the picture since he was 4. No visits, no real effort—just occasional holiday emails saying he ‘misses him.’ He knows where we live, where my son went to school, but still never showed up.
My fiancé has been a real father to my son for the past two years. He lives with us, provides for him, and has built a strong bond. We were planning to get married next year but are thinking of doing it sooner so he can adopt my son, which has always been the goal.
The issue is, bio dad has a long history of problems—suicidal tendencies, alcoholism, drug use, a DUI, and even child neglect (he once left my son in a dirty diaper alone so he could go buy beer—CPS was involved). We were hoping he’d sign over his rights in exchange for clearing his child support debt, but he might fight it.
If he contests, do I have a shot at getting his rights terminated with all this history? My fiancé is the only dad my child knows, and forcing this man back into his life would be disruptive. I’m meeting with a lawyer soon, but I’d love to hear from others who have been in similar situations. Thanks!
So he’s been out of your kid’s life for years but suddenly wants to go to court? Has he actually filed anything yet?
Stepparent adoption in California is a pretty straightforward process, and you don’t necessarily need a lawyer, but you do need bio dad’s permission. I think you have to be married for two years before filing, but you should double-check that.
Unfortunately, even with his past issues (DUI, neglect, substance abuse), you can’t just strip his rights without meeting the legal standard for abandonment. That usually means no contact and no support for at least two years, plus an attempt to locate him. If he contests, it gets complicated.
If he won’t willingly sign over his rights, this might be an uphill battle.
Laws vary by state, but I’ll share my experience in Kansas. Here, a parent has to go two full years without paying child support and without contact before you can file for adoption. Even if they send just $5, it still counts as support.
My ex disappeared when my kid was 3, stopped paying when she was 6. By law, we had to be married for six months before we could file. He tried to fight it, but when we finally went to court, he had a warrant for unpaid support from a different case. His own lawyer told him he had no chance, and he gave up. Adoption was approved.
If bio dad actually tries to fight, you’ll need solid documentation and a lawyer who knows their stuff. Wishing you the best of luck!
Has he actually filed anything yet, or is he just saying he wants to?
It sounds like you and your child are in a stable, loving situation. There’s no need to rush into anything—take your time and make sure you have all the legal facts before making big decisions.
If he refuses to give up his rights, your fiancé won’t be able to adopt your son even after marriage.
He can also keep pushing for visitation, but if he’s spending money on legal fees instead of catching up on child support, the judge will definitely take that into account.
Keep documenting everything—missed visits, any contact (or lack of it), any concerning behavior. If this ends up in court, you’ll want all of that as evidence.
This is one of those cases where you really need a lawyer to go over the details because a lot depends on specifics.
California courts prioritize what’s best for the child, but that doesn’t mean terminating bio dad’s rights will be easy. His past problems (mental health, substance abuse, neglect) could play a role, but they might not be enough on their own.
If he fights it, the court will look at his recent behavior. If he’s trying to reestablish a relationship, paying support (even if late), and making an effort, judges might not rule in your favor. But if he’s inconsistent and unreliable, you may have a stronger case.
@Mal
Just a heads-up—signing over parental rights doesn’t erase back child support. The money he owes is still owed to the child, even if he agrees to give up future rights.
It sounds like he’s making some effort now—sending holiday messages, paying something, and saying he wants visitation. That could make it harder to argue for termination.
That said, if your goal is just to make sure your fiancé can have legal rights in case something happens to you, there might be other legal options besides adoption. A lawyer can help with that too.
@Alicia
If something happens to you, custody automatically goes to bio dad unless your fiancé has legally adopted your child.
Even if you put something in writing, it won’t override his legal rights. So if you’re worried about that, adoption really is the only way to guarantee your fiancé would get custody.
@Ashley
True, but if bio dad is unfit or unwilling to take custody, the court can consider other options. If it ever came to that, your fiancé could petition for guardianship.
It’s not a sure thing, but it’s something to think about.