My boyfriend and I have a newborn, and he also has a toddler with his ex. Right after our baby was born, she got a no-contact order (NCO) against him. When they went to court, the judge asked her to name someone she’d be okay with for child exchanges. She said no to everyone. My boyfriend listed at least 10 people, and she rejected them all. The judge eventually said they’d have to revisit this because she was being uncooperative. He’s paying over $400 a month in child support, but he still isn’t able to see his son. Any advice on how he can move forward?
Maybe suggest someone from her side, like her mom or a sibling? Or do the exchange at a police station.
Since she’s shutting down every option, maybe it’s time to fight for full custody. If she gets visitation, then you get to approve or reject who picks up the child. Let her be the one dealing with restrictions.
Try setting up non-contact exchanges. She drops the child off at daycare/school, and your boyfriend picks them up. Another option is using a neutral, public place with cameras (like Target or Walmart). There are also third-party transporters—licensed and insured drivers known to the child who can handle exchanges. Also, consider asking for a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents for communication.
@Cai
Police stations work too. That’s what we had to do for my nephew because of a domestic violence situation.
Here are a couple of ways to handle it:
- One side picks 3–5 names, and the other chooses from that list.
- Hire a court-approved supervisor for exchanges, with both parents splitting the cost.
School or daycare exchanges make things easier, or do it at a police station.
Also, child support and visitation are separate issues. Courts don’t like it when people bring up support as a reason for visitation issues.
@Asa
Child support and visitation can be connected if there’s a court-ordered custody agreement. Courts don’t like one parent paying support while being denied time with their child. Since they’ve already been to court over the NCO, he should get a lawyer to handle both support and visitation. He can request the court transcript (especially if the judge called out his ex) and use it in legal consultations. Lawyers are expensive, but having an official custody agreement will prevent this from happening again.
@Francesca
Just to clarify—child support is based on overnights and income, not whether visitation happens or not. The court doesn’t want to constantly adjust support based on parenting time disputes.
For example:
- A parent can’t refuse visitation just because the other parent isn’t paying support.
- A parent isn’t automatically entitled to visitation just because they pay child support.
- Income doesn’t decide how much custody time a parent gets.
The judge probably postponed the visitation decision separately from child support for this reason.
@Francesca
That’s not really how it works.
@Francesca
Support still has to be paid, even if visitation isn’t happening. The kids still need food and clothes. You can’t just stop paying because the other parent is being difficult.
@Francesca
Just because they’re in the same court order doesn’t mean they’re legally linked.
Does the child go to daycare? A lot of parents do handoffs that way—one drops off in the morning, and the other picks up in the afternoon. That way, no direct contact is needed, and both parents just keep essentials at their own homes.
@Noble
I hadn’t thought of that—thank you! That might actually work.
Why not suggest exchanging at a police station lobby?
Alex said:
Why not suggest exchanging at a police station lobby?
Police stations aren’t the best for this unless absolutely necessary. Many departments actually dislike being used for exchanges and say they aren’t set up for it. Plus, some really bad incidents have happened even during police station exchanges. For the child, it also sends a pretty strong message that their parents can’t stand each other.
Better options:
- Use a family member or friend both parents agree on.
- Hire a third-party exchange service.
- Do the drop-off at school or daycare.
@NatalieWoods
Any other ideas besides school or daycare?
Alex said:
@NatalieWoods
Any other ideas besides school or daycare?
If daycare/school isn’t an option, finding a neutral third party (family, friends) or a professional exchange service is the next best thing.
Alex said:
Why not suggest exchanging at a police station lobby?
This is what I did! The judge agreed since I had issues with my ex in the past.
Alex said:
Why not suggest exchanging at a police station lobby?
This is what I did! The judge agreed since I had issues with my ex in the past.
Yep, people with bad intentions usually back off when you suggest a police station. If OP’s boyfriend really wants to see his kid, he’ll accept that option. If the mother refuses even that, she’s basically saying she won’t allow visits at all. A judge will see that.