My boyfriend and I are still together, but he is abusive. He’s not a good dad or partner, and I don’t feel like writing everything out right now, so let’s just leave it at that.
He works out of town for 9 out of 12 months. He’s gone for three months at a time, then comes back for one month before leaving again. Even though he has the money and his job would allow it, he never visits our daughter when he’s away. His coworkers go home to see their families, but he just doesn’t want to. I even offered to bring her to him and cover all the costs, but he said no and told me to wait until he comes home.
Luckily, I work from home, so I take care of our baby full-time.
He claims that if we broke up, he’d go for 50/50 custody, but he’s never fed, changed, or bathed our daughter—not once. I’ve begged him to help when he’s home, but he’d rather go out, party, and use hard drugs.
If I leave him, what would a custody arrangement most likely look like? I want full or majority custody, but I also want him in her life. I don’t think he’d physically harm her, but I don’t trust him not to neglect her. Ideally, I’d want full custody with him having daytime visits on weekends when he’s in town. Is that realistic, or should I expect something different? I know full custody is hard to get unless the other parent does something extreme, but I don’t want to risk my child’s safety.
Does he help financially? Since you’re not married, maybe let him contribute that way. If you push for custody, he might suddenly get a girlfriend, and then your baby could end up with someone you don’t know. Also, don’t sleep with him—he’s probably seeing other people while he’s away. Focus on you and your baby, and let him send money.
Start keeping records. Write down when he sees the baby, asks about her, or does anything related to her care. If you go to court, you’ll need to prove that he’s not actually involved. Also, keep track of any money he gives you for the baby. Make sure she’s up to date on doctor visits and vaccinations, and note that he doesn’t attend any of them.
Get a lawyer and file for child support. He needs to take responsibility for his daughter. And please, leave him. You and your baby deserve so much better.
(Not a lawyer) He has rights as her father, but you need legal advice. Get a lawyer and start gathering evidence. If he tries for 50/50, push for a court-ordered drug test. Save any texts where he refuses to see her or help. If you can prove he’s neglectful or unfit, you might be able to get supervised visits instead.
I get why you’re worried. You want to leave, but you don’t want him suddenly demanding custody when he’s never been a real dad.
First, don’t tell him you’re thinking about leaving.
Look for free legal aid—many places have family lawyers who can give you advice. Also, reach out to a domestic violence organization. They can help you make a safe plan to leave. Keep quiet about it until you’re ready.
@Harper
Yes! Keep records of everything. If you go to court, they can ask him simple things like what she eats, what size diapers she wears, or who her doctor is. Bet he won’t know.