My boyfriend and I are still together, but he is abusive. He’s not a good dad or a good partner, and I don’t feel like writing everything out right now, but let’s just say it’s bad.
He works out of town for 9 out of 12 months, leaving for 3 months at a time and coming home for 1 month before leaving again. While he’s gone, he never comes to see our daughter, even though he could easily afford to and his job allows it. I’ve even offered to take her to him and cover all the costs myself, but he still refuses and just says to wait until he comes home. Meanwhile, his coworkers visit their families all the time, but he never does.
I’m lucky that I work from home, so I’m with our daughter full-time.
Now he says if we break up, he’ll push for 50/50 custody. The problem is, he has never fed, changed, or bathed her in her entire life, even when I begged him to help. Instead, he spends his time drinking, doing drugs, and hanging out with his friends when he’s home.
If I leave him, what would a custody arrangement realistically look like? Since he’s away so much, I want full or at least majority custody, but I still want him to be part of her life. I don’t think he’d hurt her physically, but I don’t trust him to take care of her properly if he’s alone with her for too long. Ideally, I’d want her to stay with me overnight, and he could take her during the day on weekends when he’s off work and in town. Is this a reasonable expectation, or am I asking for too much? I know full custody is hard to get unless something extreme happens, but I don’t want to take any risks with my child’s safety if I leave.
Keep records of everything—what you do for your child and what he doesn’t do. If you live in a one-party consent state, record his abusive behavior when possible. If you have proof of abuse or neglect, he’s less likely to get 50/50 custody.
Since you’re not married, it’s up to him to legally establish paternity and file for custody. If you need child support, the court will likely set up an arrangement, and he may get 50/50 at first. Keep a detailed calendar of when he actually sees the baby. If he doesn’t follow through, you can ask for an adjustment later. Also, both parents are expected to financially support the child, so be prepared for that.
Start documenting everything—when you take her to the doctor, how much time you spend with her, and how little time he does. Keep a notebook and write things down daily.
Figure out when your lease is up so you can plan your move. When you go to court, ask for child support. If he keeps this job, he won’t be able to have her half the time anyway. Also, ask for a ‘right of first refusal’ clause—meaning if he needs a babysitter, you get the first option to take care of your child instead of someone else.
If he does get visits, push for supervised ones at first, so he can prove he knows how to care for her.
Getting all overnights is almost impossible unless you have solid proof that he’s a danger to her. Courts grant overnights even to parents with serious issues. If you go in asking for full custody with no evidence, the judge won’t be happy. Kids aren’t property—they deserve time with both parents. He has a legal right to 50/50 unless proven otherwise.
There’s no way he’s actually getting 50/50 when he’s away for months at a time. If he’s so bad, why haven’t you left him already? Also, has he legally established paternity?
Kaitlyn said:
There’s no way he’s actually getting 50/50 when he’s away for months at a time. If he’s so bad, why haven’t you left him already? Also, has he legally established paternity?
Why couldn’t he get 50/50? There’s no law stopping him from having the baby travel to where he works.
@Donna
He doesn’t spend time with the baby even when he’s home. It’s not just about work—he has no interest in parenting. A drastic change like that would hurt the child.
Documentation is key. Keep a record of how often he sees or even asks about the baby. Look up your state’s custody guidelines so you know what you’re up against. Track any financial support he provides and keep records of doctor’s visits and vaccinations.
Do not take legal advice from your abuser. Find a domestic violence organization for support.
Keep quiet around him. Keep texting him about visits and saving his responses. Build up proof. Then get a lawyer and follow their instructions carefully. They’ll help you file for custody.
@Jasper
This! Document everything. In court, they might ask him basic questions like what the baby eats, her diaper size, or who her doctor is. He probably won’t know any of it.