I (23f) have a child with (30m) who is just under 1 and they were born out of wedlock. We’ve been together a little over a year. He has been abusive psychologically, financially and has been threatening me physically. After multiple threats, name calling and trying to intimidate me I told him I was leaving so he took my phone and keys and told me he is taking me to court for full custody. I’m a SAHM who is the primary caregiver, he has not ONCE woken up in the middle of the night with them (unless it’s to scream at me), can count the number of diapers he’s changed on one hand, and I can’t even go to the grocery store for an hour without him calling and screaming at me to come home because they’re crying and he needs to smoke a cigarette. What are the chances he will get full custody? He provides financially and says they will grant him full custody because of it. I would obviously get a job and go back to school and I have a very large, stable support system. I’m terrified of losing my child, I want nothing more than for them to have a strong relationship with their father and his family but I’m afraid it’s going to be very messy and negatively affect our child and our families. I don’t want him to scar our child because he hates me. ETA- he says if I leave with our child he will call the police saying I kidnapped our child. Is this even legal?
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. Not legal, you can leave the home with your child and he can’t stop you. You are unmarried so it would be up to him to take you to court for custody. Make sure to take all legal documentation such as birth certificate and social security card.
Attorney. If he threatened you with physical abuse you may qualify for an emergency protective order. Check the laws for your state. If you don’t qualify and he isn’t removed from your home, take your child and leave. Most states recognize that people have to flee from domestic violence. Also this would be a very expensive custody case, so start preparing. No one is going to take your child from him.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. Please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text START to 88788. They can help you. https://www.thehotline.org/
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. First get out of that situation. You say you have a large support structure to pull from. Start by leaving him NOW. While he’s at work pack you and your baby’s things and leave. Second don’t listen to the enemy. He’s trying to scare you. You are the mother of the child so let him call the police. They will just say it’s not their problem and go away. You can even file for a TPO (temporary protection order).
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. Document everything! Keep text, emails, gather witness statements and learn your state laws on custody and child support. If you have time pop into family court for a couple of hours, you see how court works and how judges are likely to rule. Plus you will be less intimidated if you are familiar. I spent 20 years of my life in one fighting with ex’s. Good luck.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. He’s just trying to scare you by threatening to call the police because they will not intervene unless the child is being physically harmed by one of you. I am so sorry you’re going through this and I hope and pray that you and your child are safe when he goes to work. Get your baby and run. There is nothing legally he can do about that.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. Document and record as much as possible. He will definitely lie in court and you need proof.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to make them think you want what he’s threatening. Never put it in writing though. For example if he wants full custody say ‘well, that WOULD allow me to take more classes and finish my degree earlier’ then he’ll back off. He wants them every weekend ‘that would give me a chance to get out and meet people’. Spin all his negative threats into positive benefits for you.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. Absolutely not!! As a lawyer, I would never want to see this in texts between my client and opposing party. She’s going to get on the stand and say that she thinks it would be unsafe for the kiddo to be with Father more than x period of time because he doesn’t have the parenting experience or patience for an infant, and this is his perfect rebuttal exhibit. “Look, if she thought I couldn’t handle it, she wouldn’t have offered!”
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. NAL but have experience with an ex like that. Document the abuse. Call the cops when it happens. My ex threatened to take my daughter and run if I didn’t agree to everything he wanted - visitation & child support. After the court proceedings, he missed more than 2/3 of his promised visits. He’d promise and not show up. He wouldn’t have run with her because he didn’t want to take care of her.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. With the right lies at the right time and ‘witnesses’ he can very well get that. Been there, done that. What your job now is to document document document. With dates and every yell, threat, push, any point of abuse no matter the size and start a well-hidden stash of things you’ll need when you leave. Bank info, a bank card to immediately remove ONLY HALF OR LESS of cash the moment you leave, ss cards for you and kiddo, birth certificates, etc. and your notebook with all details of abuse or the like. And update it daily.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. I agree with this except don’t remove any cash off a bank card unless your name is on the account. OP, in the state, 50/50 custody is usually the default custody in court so you should be aware of that. In order for one to get full custody over the other, you have to basically ‘earn’ that by proving the coparent is abusive, mentally unstable, a danger to the child, etc.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. A really helpful book is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - there are free pdfs of the book available online. You are not ‘kidnapping’ your own child if you leave. He is extremely unlikely to get full custody - that is just a rarity absent very severe situations. He is using your fear for the child and your lack of knowledge of the legal situation to make you afraid and control you. Educate yourself. Contact a domestic violence resource near you. Speak with a lawyer. Ask friends/family for help.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. Hey, I was in your shoes once. I left my narcissistic abusive ex with my 6 month old. I had to call the police because he took my keys and sat in my car and wouldn’t let me leave… which sounds a lot like your situation. It’s been a long exhausting journey since then. He took me to court for custody when my kid was one, and he got every other weekend and one overnight a week.
Layperson/not verified as legal professional. Document, document, document. Don’t tell him anything. Call domestic violence helpline. Take your child with you and get down to your local one-stop career center. Speak with a career counselor there.