My lawyer put together the ‘standard’ parenting plan, but my ex wants to add a ton of extra stuff. How much detail do we really need?
For example, my kids are in elementary school, and he wants to put in rules for when they can date, get cell phones, get a car, and even who pays for them. Is this something we should really be deciding now?
What should we include to avoid problems down the road?
Make sure to cover all holidays, birthdays (yours and the kids’), and school breaks (summer, spring, winter). Also, think about what you’d actually be okay with long-term—because I agreed to things back then that I regret now.
@Daryn
Good point. Also, think about unexpected school closures like snow days if you live somewhere that gets those.
And who makes the final decision if you two can’t agree on something? Some parents decide one gets the final say on medical stuff, the other on school, or that a mediator steps in if needed.
Try to include important things, but don’t overdo it. You can’t control when a kid starts ‘dating’—you can say ‘not until 16,’ but that doesn’t mean they won’t sneak around before that. What actually matters is holiday schedules, who pays for extras, college costs, and when support ends. I wish I had included support through college (or at least until 23) because I couldn’t afford to help my older kids, but my youngest got lucky because I was in a better financial spot by then.
If you have daughters, it might be worth including that when they start their period, they have the option to be with their mom (instead of dad or stepmom). Some people also include a ‘first right of refusal’—meaning if one parent can’t watch the kids, the other gets the option before hiring a sitter.
If your kids play sports, it’s worth writing down that both parents agree to take them to practices and games.
Honestly, no. Things change. You might not even want them driving by then or be able to afford a car. You guys need to figure out how to communicate now, not try to control the future. What happens if one of you changes your mind? Keep it simple.
Some things make sense to include—like agreeing that both parents have to approve a phone and split the cost—but adding too much detail can cause problems later. Be extra clear about holiday schedules, especially for things like New Year’s. I see people confused about that all the time.
No judge cares about those kinds of rules. Those decisions usually come up later when dealing with child support.
And putting ‘when they can date’ in a legal agreement? Not happening.
Sounds like he’s trying to micromanage. Keep it simple, especially for young kids. Get the basics down first, and the rest can be figured out as they grow.
Tell your lawyer to stick to the basics. Phones, cars, dating—those decisions will depend on the kid’s maturity, and you can’t predict that now.
Nope. Less is better.
He’s trying to control future parenting decisions. The reality is, with 50/50 custody, neither of you will get full control. Courts care about big things like medical decisions and school choice, not whether a kid gets a cell phone or when they start dating.
For example, if one parent decides against vaccines and the other wants to continue, a judge can step in and rule based on science. But phones, cars, and dating? No judge is going to care because there’s no universal ‘right’ answer.
Set a boundary now, or he’ll keep pushing to control everything.
@Van
And even if you do put something in, one parent might say ‘no phone in my house’ while the other allows it. Or one parent might buy a car, and the other might refuse to let them drive it. You just can’t control every little thing.
Unless you want to keep going back to court to adjust things, be as clear as possible—especially when it comes to money. Otherwise, you might regret it later.
Yes, decide now. If you don’t, your kid will get a phone at 9 with no limits, and your 14-year-old will be on birth control and having sleepovers with their boyfriend. Ask me how I know (thanks to my husband’s ex).
You can always agree to change things later, but if nothing is written down, the more permissive parent sets the rules by default.
@Amber
You can’t stop a kid from dating if they want to. If they’re going to do it anyway, birth control is the smarter option. Also, making ‘dating’ part of a legal document is just weird.
Family law paralegal here: I have never seen dating rules in a custody agreement. Cell phone and car stuff is rare too. But if it’s a high-conflict situation, and you expect a lot of fights down the road, then maybe it’s worth adding something. Otherwise, a mediation clause might be a better idea.
Your lawyer should tell you that you can’t put that stuff in. You can set medical and education rules, but you can’t control every aspect of their lives through the court.
Parenting plans should focus on:
For things like phones and cars, keep it broad: ‘Will be decided based on age-appropriate needs at the time.’
Dating? Leave that out completely.
I wouldn’t put in specific ages for phones or cars—there are too many variables. A phone might make sense for one kid at 9, while another doesn’t need one until 14.
And ‘dating’ is such a broad term. I’ve seen 5-year-olds holding hands and calling each other ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ while 17-year-olds insist they’re ‘just talking.’
It’s better to focus on how you’ll make decisions together instead of trying to predict everything now.