I know this isn’t the biggest issue in the world, but I’m really upset. I have sole legal decision-making for my toddler daughter. Her dad only gets visitation twice a month because of past domestic violence. Child services was involved and found him responsible for neglect and endangerment.
When my daughter came back from her last visit, her hair was completely different—like, a drastic, uneven cut. At first, I didn’t even recognize her. I actually asked where she was because I thought they had another child with them. They didn’t even tell me beforehand. Her hair looks terrible—patchy, uneven, almost bald in spots. If it had been a decent haircut, I wouldn’t be as upset, but it looks like it was done by someone who had no idea what they were doing. I don’t even know how to fix it.
My custody order is pretty simple. It says I have sole legal decision-making and have to inform him of doctor’s appointments. He can access her medical and school records, but I make the decisions. From what I’ve read, legal decision-making includes things like personal care.
So what should I say to him in the parenting app? And how do I stop this from happening again? Thanks.
I’d be furious. Hair can be a big deal, especially for little girls. Why would he think this is okay? It honestly sounds like he did it just to get a reaction out of you. If you’ve been through abuse with him, expect petty behavior like this. Make sure you take pictures and document everything.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do legally. No judge is going to step in over a bad haircut. But you should document it anyway. Did he even give you a reason for cutting it? There was no need for a toddler to get a haircut without your approval.
I’d message him saying you expect to be informed of any major changes to your child’s appearance. You have sole legal decision-making, and that should include things like haircuts. You could also ask your lawyer about adding something specific to your custody order about this.
I get why you’re upset, but if you take this to court, they won’t care. Hair grows back. Judges deal with much bigger issues. Legal decision-making covers big things like medical care, schooling, and religion. When he has visitation, he can make small decisions during that time.
It’s frustrating, but it’s probably better to document it and move on unless something worse happens.
You need to report this. If he won’t follow court orders over something as simple as a haircut, what else will he ignore?
I’d send the pictures to your lawyer and ask what can be done. I’d also consider calling the non-emergency police line to file a complaint. Cutting a child’s hair without permission can actually be considered assault in some places. You need to set a boundary now before he pushes things further.
Depends on the laws where you live. It actually can be considered assault in some places. Either way, it’s about setting a precedent. If he won’t respect boundaries now, what will he do next?
Talk to your lawyer. Show them before-and-after pictures if you have any. You might be able to get something added to your custody order that says he can’t cut her hair or make other appearance changes without your approval.
Honestly, this feels like a control thing. Some abusers do stuff like this to get under your skin. If he can’t even handle basic parenting tasks for two days a month without pulling this, you might want to push for supervised visits instead.
Maybe start taking her to a regular hairstylist. If she gets used to only one person cutting her hair, she might start saying something if someone else tries to do it.
You should check the legal definitions of ‘major decisions’ versus ‘day-to-day decisions.’ Most courts won’t consider a haircut a major decision unless it’s for religious or cultural reasons. If you make this a big fight, he might start doing other little things just to bother you. Sometimes it’s better to let things go and save your energy for bigger battles.
You can ask him to check with you before making changes like this, but there’s not much else you can do. My husband’s ex once dyed their kid’s hair bright purple, even though her school didn’t allow it. We just fixed it and moved on. If he keeps doing things like this, you might need to go back to court.