Why are working parents sometimes seen as ‘lesser’ in court when they’re the ones providing for the child? I have two friends who were in a relationship for 6 years and have a 3-year-old together. The mother has taken their child several times, refusing to answer the father’s calls or share their location. The court granted emergency custody, but it’s not 50/50. He only sees his son from Friday at 6pm to Sunday at 6pm every other weekend. It’s heartbreaking for him since he was the one working and providing for their family, while she stayed at home. She attended doctor appointments and school meetings, but only because he couldn’t leave work often. Now, she’s using that to say he wasn’t there for their child, even though he was working to support them. Why does it feel like courts favor stay-at-home parents over working ones, especially when working parents are the ones providing for their children?
This isn’t really a valid question. Working parents make it work so they can care for their kids. Saying ‘I had to work’ isn’t an excuse. If the mom’s job was taking care of the kids full-time, then she had more availability. I work and still find time for my kids. No sympathy here for the dad.
The court’s priority is what’s best for the child, not necessarily what feels fair to the parents.
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Child’s best interest: In general terms, if one parent works full-time and the other is available to care for the child all day, the court might decide the child should spend more time with the available parent.
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Financial support: The working parent still provides financially and gets time with the child, but the court is looking at what keeps the child stable.
I know it feels unfair to the working parent, but it’s about the child’s well-being.
“He attended when he could get out of work, which was not often.”
So, has he changed jobs now? I was a stay-at-home mom, but after my separation, I got a job that offered flexibility so I could still be the main caretaker. My ex-husband never wanted to do that before, so why would he now? It’s unfair to expect one parent to keep doing all the care while the other reaps the benefits of financial stability. That choice also impacts things like child support.
I think this has more to do with the court favoring moms, not necessarily working versus non-working parents. Some courts tend to side with mothers.
I feel for your friend, but family court is rarely ‘fair’ in the way both parents want. In this case, it probably makes more sense logistically for the child to stay with the parent who can be present full-time, while the working parent provides financially. Why leave the child with a babysitter when they can be with a parent? It may not feel fair, but it’s about the child’s best interest.
Honestly, I don’t care about fairness for the parents in custody disputes. The court’s job is to figure out what’s best for the child. In what world would ripping a young child away from their primary caregiver to spend half their time with a parent who barely interacted with them before the custody dispute be good for the child? The dad needs to build a relationship with the child slowly and learn to be a parent before asking for 50/50 custody. This isn’t about punishing him; it’s about ensuring the child has a smooth transition. This is a 3-year-old we’re talking about, not a teenager.
@Desiree
I say this during almost every mediation—fairness has nothing to do with it. Once you have a child with someone, you’re responsible for what’s best for that child, not what’s fair to you.
Do you have kids? Honestly, if you’re a solo parent who works and takes care of your kids, the work part can feel like a break compared to parenting. If I can manage both, this dad could’ve found ways to be there for his child more often. Saying ‘I had to work’ is no excuse. Parenting is hard, and you make it happen.
My ex-husband made me quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom. After our separation, he wanted more custody, but I gave him weekends because he never did the bulk of the parenting. You only know what your friend tells you, and some parents who weren’t involved before the separation cry ‘she’s keeping the kid from me’ for attention. I’m not saying your friend is lying, but are you sure you know the whole story? Why did she get emergency custody? What happened behind closed doors? Maybe stay out of it, since it’s none of your business.
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Plenty of working parents are involved in their kids’ lives. They still make time for doctor’s appointments and extracurricular activities. Does the dad actually want 50/50 custody? Is he prepared to handle that responsibility? He should make sure to use all his current visitation time, live near the school district, and ask to increase to 50/50 if he’s ready.
This really depends on the state. In places like California, courts rarely grant every-other-weekend custody unless there’s something off with the parent, like their inability to care for the child or they didn’t fight the custody agreement.
If this doesn’t apply to your friend, he should hire a lawyer and fight for 50/50 if he can manage it. But based on your story, it sounds like he’s working a lot and would need childcare while he’s at work. He needs to be realistic about whether he can handle more custody.
@Layne
Did you see the details? They’re in Pennsylvania.
The real details matter here. For instance, my ex and I both worked, but he specifically asked me to be the one to limit my career and handle the bulk of the parenting duties. Now, I’m a single parent working 70 hours a week, but I still handle all the child’s care—doctor’s appointments, school activities, etc. My ex doesn’t know half of what’s going on with the kids because he chose not to be involved. If that’s the case with your friend, judges can see when a parent checked out of parenting duties long before the custody dispute.