Hello everyone, I’ll try to keep this short. My ex-husband left back in 2008 when our son was just 6 years old. He moved out of the country for a year and then moved between states, eventually settling down about 10 years ago. He’s well educated and probably makes over 200k a year.
When we divorced, we didn’t use lawyers. I waived child support since I was making about 100k, and the judge approved. For a few years, I even paid for his phone and car insurance without asking for child support. Later on, he started paying $200, which eventually became $500 per month, based on our informal agreement.
When our son got into college, my ex said he would stop sending the $500 and save the money for him instead. Now, our son is a senior in college, and my ex recently told me he saved up about $25k to give him as a graduation gift. It seemed fine until my son told his dad that he’s gay. While my ex didn’t react badly at first, he later told me he was disappointed and has since slowed down communication with our son—only sending one message since.
Now, I’m worried he won’t give our son the money because of his sexuality. Since he didn’t pay child support and claimed this was the money he saved for our son, can I take him to court to force him to give it to him? Or is it not possible because I waived child support when he wasn’t making much and we handled everything informally without the courts? I don’t want anything for myself, but I feel my son deserves that money. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.
At the end of the day, your son is an adult now, and legally, his dad doesn’t owe him anything. It’s his money, and if he decides not to give it, there’s not much you can do about it.
West said:
At the end of the day, your son is an adult now, and legally, his dad doesn’t owe him anything. It’s his money, and if he decides not to give it, there’s not much you can do about it.
@Diya
I get how tough that must be to hear, especially when it feels unfair. But that’s the reality sometimes. It’s a tough lesson about promises involving money—things change, and it’s not always within our control.
@West
Exactly, it’s not really about the money for us. My son, my husband, and I are lucky enough not to need it. What hurts is the rejection. I got angry seeing how it might affect my son emotionally. If my ex had said from the beginning that he wasn’t going to pay, we wouldn’t have cared. But now, after saying he’d save the money, it feels like he’s going back on his word because of our son’s sexuality.
If he had just said years ago that he couldn’t pay because of financial reasons, it wouldn’t have mattered. We didn’t need the $500, and it was more about him showing he cared. Now, if he doesn’t give the money, it’ll be hard not to think it’s because our son is gay. I just want my son to heal emotionally, and I hope they can still have a relationship in the future, even though things are uncertain right now.
@Diya
Sorry to say, but if money is part of what makes the relationship better, it might be time to rethink that. The relationship should be about more than financial support.
West said: @Diya
Sorry to say, but if money is part of what makes the relationship better, it might be time to rethink that. The relationship should be about more than financial support.
I don’t think it’s about the money being essential to the relationship. It’s more like the father hasn’t made much effort, but at least the money showed some level of care. Now, it feels like he’s backing out just because their son is gay, which could really hurt their relationship further.
Honestly, if you feel strongly about it, you could take him to court. Even if the chances aren’t great, at least he’ll have to deal with the hassle. Or you could just ask him directly and see what happens. Sometimes the legal system can pressure people to act right, but it might not be worth it if you don’t want to go that route.
@Harlem
I waived child support because he wasn’t making much back then, and even after he started earning more, I didn’t push him for more. I let him pay what he could, just to avoid stress. We didn’t have any conflicts, and I was proud that we didn’t need him financially.
I’m not really planning on taking him to court, but I thought maybe just threatening him would get him to give my son the money so he doesn’t feel hurt. It’s not fair that my ex walked away from parenting, and now, because of my son being gay, he’s pulling away even more. But honestly, it might be pointless to fight about this.
My son is in a good place and doesn’t need the money. In fact, it might be better if my ex doesn’t give it, so there’s no future guilt-trip about paying it back. My ex doesn’t deserve a relationship with my son, but I still want them to have one, for my son’s sake, not his.
@Diya
$25K isn’t a life-changing amount in the long run. I know people who’ve spent way more in divorces. You could fight for it, but is it really worth the peace? Sometimes it’s better to let it go, but if you want to push back, you definitely can.
Since you waived child support and your son is over 18, you don’t have much of a legal case. You’d probably end up spending more money in legal fees than what you’d get back.
Promises are nice, but unless they’re legally binding, they don’t hold up in court. You never had a formal child support agreement, so it’ll be tricky. Courts prefer things to be official with agreements on paper. The $500 payments and the promise of $25k aren’t documented, so you might struggle to enforce it.
You could try legal action, but it may not be worth it. On the emotional side, just focus on helping your son process everything and be there for him. Maybe try to encourage communication between them, but also help your son prepare for the possibility that he won’t get the money.
Cliff said: @Diya
It’s tough, but just be there for your son. He’ll need your support more than the money.
Of course. My son doesn’t even need the money, but it’s the broken promise that hurts. I think it would feel like double abandonment if my ex doesn’t follow through, especially because of his reaction to our son being gay.