I’m in the middle of a divorce. Mediation is coming up at the end of the month. I’ve tried to work something out with my soon-to-be ex to save us both on legal fees.
We have a house that she owned for three years before we got married. After we got married, I’ve been the one paying the mortgage for 17 and a half years. We also bought two pieces of land—one worth about 30k, the other around 2-3k.
I have 130k in retirement savings that I put in myself. She hasn’t contributed to any retirement account since we’ve been together.
I make about 60k a year. She claims to make 20k from a cash-based business with tips involved.
So here’s what I offered: 75% of my retirement, which would pay off her house, plus the more expensive piece of land. In exchange, I want to avoid paying long-term (3-5 years) alimony.
I can’t stand fighting over money in divorces. I’d rather take a financial hit than drag things out. If it gives you peace of mind and a clean break, I’d say go for it.
Getting out of long-term payments can be worth more than just the numbers on paper. The best way to look at it is to list every asset and debt, then figure out how you’d divide it up. Alimony is a financial burden on you, so you’re essentially offering her an asset in exchange for skipping that. The real question is, how much is your peace of mind worth? Only you can decide.
Blake said:
That seems like a lot to give up. Was she a stay-at-home wife? Why are you offering so much?
I just don’t want to deal with paying her alimony for years. Right now, I’m covering her mortgage and utilities because of a temporary court order. I just want to move on and go back to my hometown. And no, she wasn’t a stay-at-home wife. She has a business where people in her field can make anywhere from 45k to 70k a year if they really try.
@Quinby
If she had the ability to earn more but chose not to, I don’t see why she should get long-term alimony. You should talk to a lawyer to see what’s actually fair in your state.
Blake said: @Quinby
If she had the ability to earn more but chose not to, I don’t see why she should get long-term alimony. You should talk to a lawyer to see what’s actually fair in your state.
I do have a lawyer. I’ve already spent about 3k so far.
@Dar
In my state, mediation is just a formality. You show up, but there’s no real pressure to agree on anything. If she’s not willing to negotiate fairly, mediation won’t help much.
@Quinby
Your lawyer should have given you a rough idea of what’s typical in cases like yours. Most of the time, it’s pretty predictable unless one side refuses to be reasonable.
@Quinby
Since she only owned the house for a few years before marriage, you should be entitled to a good chunk of the equity.
Here’s a rough breakdown:
$260k equity in the house
$32k equity in the land
$130k in retirement savings
That’s $412k total, meaning your share should be around $255k.
But under your deal, she’s getting:
$260k (house)
$30k (land)
$82k (from your retirement)
That means she gets $372k, and you walk away with only $40k. You’re giving her an extra $215k just to avoid alimony.
Worst-case scenario, alimony might be $25-27k a year for 3-5 years, which is around $75-125k. You’re offering 2-3 times more than what alimony might cost.
If the court assumes she can earn minimum wage, your alimony might only be $15k a year ($60k total). You might be overpaying.
Quinby said: @Savannah
That’s a good breakdown. One thing I forgot to mention earlier—the house still needs 40-50k in repairs to sell at full value.
So just to clarify, is it:
A $300k house with $40k left on the mortgage?
A $300k house with an $80k mortgage, plus $40k in needed repairs before it could sell for full value?
It’s important to be clear on how much actual equity is in the house since that’s the biggest asset in play.
Even if there’s only $180k in equity, you’re still giving away at least twice what alimony would cost.
Selling the house and keeping your share might be a better option. If you end up owing alimony, you could just use that money to cover it instead of handing over everything.
@Savannah
The house has about 85k left on the mortgage, and it needs 40-50k in work to get full value. I get your point about selling it and splitting the money, but my main goal is just to be done with it. Right now, I’m still paying her mortgage and utilities while also covering my rent (which is more than the mortgage). The temporary order has me paying for everything, and I’m working 50-65 hours a week just to keep up. I refuse to go into debt, but this workload isn’t sustainable either.