I’m really wondering how a family judge might view this. I’ve recorded part of a conversation where my husband was yelling at me, putting me down, calling me mentally ill, and degrading me in every way possible. I stayed calm the whole time. Our daughter came into the room, and I kept telling him I didn’t want to talk in front of her, but he just kept going. He started telling her that I neglect her and don’t care about her. You can hear me in the recording, begging him not to say such things in front of her.
Last night, I went out for a few hours to visit a friend who just had a baby. When I got home, he told me that our daughter had been crying the whole time I was gone, saying she missed me and felt like I don’t play with her enough. He’s putting these ideas in her head, and I have the proof.
For some context, I’m her primary caregiver. I get her ready for school, pack her lunch, drop her off, pick her up, spend hours with her every day before my husband even gets home. I cook dinner, do her laundry, clean her room, and bathe her. I’m also home with her every Friday while he’s at work. He takes her out on weekends, and I’ve never gotten in the way of that, but now he’s saying I don’t take care of her on weekends because he does. It’s exhausting, and it feels delusional.
I’m going to file for divorce soon and ask for full custody. He’s had addiction issues in the past, and we’ve even been to court before over domestic violence when he grabbed me and threw me onto our daughter when she was a baby. I’ve already hired an attorney, but I’d love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar. Thanks for reading.
When it comes to family court, they usually separate the relationship between the child and each parent. So his relationship with your daughter might not be affected directly. But the way he talks about you, especially in front of her, could impact things like how exchanges are handled.
It might be worth looking into a restraining order and asking the court to require communication through a parenting app. This way, everything is documented and can be reviewed by the court. You could also ask for supervised exchanges in public places or through a third party if needed.
Family courts often see tensions like these calm down over time, but keeping everything documented could really help your case.
I’m not a lawyer, but in my case, my ex would say all kinds of terrible things about me to our child while we were married. When we separated, the police had to get involved, and my child and I were hidden until they knew it was safe. The district attorney even said I was in more danger than any other case they had seen.
At first, he was given joint custody, but after some time, the court reduced his time with our child, and eventually, he lost visitation completely. It took two years of therapy for my child to heal. Over time, my child saw for themselves who was telling the truth. As an adult, they don’t speak to their father anymore.
The most important thing is that your lawyer will know best how to approach this situation. Every judge has their own approach, and working within that is key. In my case, the judge didn’t believe in sole custody, so we had to build a case over time to reduce my ex’s visitation rights. It was a long process, but we eventually got there.
You should connect with a domestic violence (DV) shelter. They often have more resources available to help you, even if you don’t need the shelter itself.
SASHA said:
You should connect with a domestic violence (DV) shelter. They often have more resources available to help you, even if you don’t need the shelter itself.
Absolutely. They can help you get these recordings transcribed for use in court too.
What your husband is doing by saying these things to your daughter is really harmful and manipulative. Kids, especially at her age, are very impressionable. They rely on their parents to help them make sense of the world, and hearing one parent say something like that about the other is confusing and damaging.
From a legal perspective, this could be seen as emotional manipulation or even parental alienation. Family court takes these things seriously because they’re a sign that one parent is trying to turn the child against the other.
You’ve got solid evidence with the recording, and the fact that you’re the primary caregiver who does most of the child-rearing is important too. His twisting of normal situations, like you going out for a few hours, into a claim of neglect is going to look weak in court. Judges don’t take kindly to this kind of behavior, especially with his history of addiction and domestic violence.
Keep documenting everything, and your attorney will know exactly how to use it to show that you’re the stable parent.
Your husband’s in big trouble. When my husband was fighting for custody, one of the first things his attorney told us was to never speak badly about the other parent in front of the kids because they’re part of that parent, and hearing bad things about them is damaging.
This kind of behavior is so cruel. He’s using your child to hurt you, and in the process, he’s causing serious emotional harm to her. She’s not old enough to understand what’s happening, but she will feel the pain of being used this way. It has to stop.
@MariaLopez
I went through something similar. I had video evidence of my ex saying horrible things about me to our kids. The judge didn’t like it at all. He reduced my ex’s visitation to just a few days every two weeks. Over time, as my ex continued to badmouth me and make false reports to CPS, the judge eventually cut his visitation completely.
I documented everything, which helped a lot. My ex made it clear he couldn’t be trusted to act in the best interest of the kids, and that’s why the court made its final decision. Make sure you document everything too. It could make a huge difference.
@Alby
This is really helpful, thank you. I’ve started documenting, but it’s hard because a lot of it happens so quickly. I’m going to set up cameras around the house to capture more. My lawyer thinks what I have already is significant, so that’s hopeful.
@MariaLopez
Good plan. And just be prepared—if he realizes you’re serious about leaving, he might try to make things worse. If he’s been abusive, he might escalate. Make sure you have support lined up.
Stay safe, and I hope everything works out for you.
@Alby
Thank you, I’ve got friends and family on my side. My therapist also supports me and even said she’d write a letter to the court if needed. I know it’s going to be tough, but I’ve started documenting everything and I’m ready for what’s next. He’s gotten physical before, but now I’m ready to record everything. Let him show who he really is.
@MariaLopez
Make sure you back up those videos and photos somewhere safe. Whether it’s an external drive, cloud storage, or even sharing them with trusted family, don’t rely on just one copy.
@MariaLopez
Just be careful. If he claims you have a mental health disorder, he might push for a psychological evaluation. It would be best if both of you undergo one. It could work out in your favor if what you’re saying is true.
@MariaLopez
If you can, set up hidden cameras in your house. Your husband could destroy the ones he knows about, especially if he gets angry. Having extra cameras could help you record what’s really happening.
MariaLopez said: @Dylan
Good idea, I’m going to look into that. I’ll do some research to find out the best system to use.
I recommend Nest cameras. They’re reliable, and you can set them to record continuously or when there’s motion. Try searching for nanny cams too. They might give you more options.
@MariaLopez
What your husband is doing is parental alienation, and it’s a form of emotional abuse. Please make sure you reach out to domestic violence organizations—they have the tools to help you prove this in court and protect your daughter. My child went through something similar, and it’s taken years to heal. Protect your daughter at all costs, and keep pushing forward.
@MariaLopez
You should try to avoid leaving your daughter alone with him if possible. I know that’s tough, but if he’s manipulating her, it’s best to limit those situations. Cameras could help too, and of course, speak to your attorney as soon as possible.